How I Became a Seller of Jeans from Being a Missionary Abroad
So Where Am I Now?
I am back home in Calgary, currently working part-time selling pricy jeans.
From travelling around Europe and Africa while teaching, leading, and walking with young adults in their faith journey, to making a living by trying to make people spend money on things they don’t really need. It’s hard not to think of it all as a fall of sorts or worse, as a failure. Rather, it was hard.
How Did I Get Here?
After the best season of my missionary career last fall, I knew that my role in Youth With a Mission Kyiv was changing by the end of 2021. I felt that I was to transition (there’s that word again) from being part of the discipleship school team to a more teaching-focused role. Discussions with leaders were started and it seemed like things were going quite smoothly.
Let’s back up a little bit though. 2022 was going to be my seventh year in missions; traditionally a time for a sabbatical. Prior to discussing with others of my desire to change roles, I first had to determine how I was supposed to commemorate this seventh year. Should I go on an actual sabbatical? If so, for how long? The Lord responded faithfully and I felt that the answer wasn’t to take an official leave, but rather commemorate it another way.
I was praying and journalling on the plane home to Canada for the holidays when a thought came to my mind; if I am asked to take a break for a prolonged period of time “to rest,” it will be my “goodbye” to YWAM Kyiv as a full-time staff member. It was a weird thought. An idea that I thought was improbable. Yet a few weeks later, it’s what happened.
Frenzy. Everything looked so good already, I was so excited to teach more, to work alongside and under the leadership of some of my favourite people. I was tempted to simply do as was proposed; to take a break and come back in the fall. I didn’t want to leave, I was ready to live the rest of my life as a missionary. But the Lord was clear, so I decided to say goodbye. To YWAM Kyiv, and to my plans.
Of course, there were other factors and discussions that influenced the decision and even the timing. Regardless however, it all boiled down to two things; the word of the Lord and which choice required more faith? Surprisingly and frankly heartbreakingly, the answer was to stop “living by faith” as missionary if I were to truly live by faith.
What Have I Been Up To?
Ten days after coming back to Canada, war broke out in Ukraine. Transitioning to life back home took a backseat between frantically trying to contact friends and past students in Ukraine to check up on them, and figuring out how I’m supposed to help out. Debriefing and the proper procedures of exiting the mission field were the last things on anyone’s mind.
The war and crimes against Ukraine and its people continue, but I know my place now. I’ve learned to be satisfied with doing what the Lord allows and asks me to do. A lesson that started from not feeling like I’m doing enough to help Ukraine and its people, and has gone on to be the theme of these last few months and even now.
Was I satisfied with what the Lord has for me? Whether it’s a job, ministry, or charity; was I satisfied with whatever the Lord gives? Was I joyful that I’ve only been given opportunities to operate at less than half of my capacity and capabilities? The answer was “no.” It didn’t make sense to me why I should only do or give a portion of what I can. Rather, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting the opportunities to operate fully.
I kept trying to “fix” the problem; applying to jobs left and right, only to be told that I’m too young for the position, overqualified for another, and even rejected for one because of my ethnicity. It wasn’t until I heard a message that talked about being satisfied in the Lord that I realised I was operating in pride. I was expecting and striving for a life and position I thought I deserved. I was believing that I wasn’t were God wanted me to be rather than finding God where I was. These last few months have been a long lesson on being satisfied on what God has for me, on recognising him wherever I am.
So Where Am I Really?
I am home. I’m selling jeans. I’m where I’m supposed to be, right now.
And because God is faithful, I’ve been given opportunities to serve as well. I get to be part of discipling teens at a youth ministry school, disciple and facilitate a regular Bible study with a previous student (now good friend) in Ukraine, send some support to Ukraine, and even influence my colleagues at work. No, I am still very much not operating at my capacity for work and ministry; but I’m satisfied. Right now, this is what the Lord has given me and that is enough.
Of course, I continue to actively look for opportunities that align with the word of the Lord for me. However until the right door opens and/or he says something new, I shall stand in satisfaction in him and with what he gives me.
Kyle Antoni 